You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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