theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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