i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
