if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
