Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
