I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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