So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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