Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
