I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
