Who wears a wallet chain?!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
