guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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