I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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