I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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