it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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