the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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