I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
