My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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