I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
