I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
