He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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