I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
