even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
