He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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