I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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