i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
