Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
