I love black thongs
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
