You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
