Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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