Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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