The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
