Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
