fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
