I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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