I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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