OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think my mom watched the whole time
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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