she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
