I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This baby is an asshole
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
