Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
