i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
