I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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