Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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