Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
