fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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