I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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