I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
