SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
