The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
MIDGETS
????
I'm getting married
To pizza
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
