so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
