did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
