Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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