I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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