Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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