And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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