The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
In other news, I just burned my penis
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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