On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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