Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
