i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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