dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Congratulations! We have a period
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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