i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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