Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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