Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
