I faked an abortion last night.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
