I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
